To all the men that I will date, or ever dated, touched, kissed, made love with, fantasized about, flirted with, and lived with:
Sometimes I said 'I love you'.
What I meant was...
'I have needs that I hope you can fulfill'
'I have the urge to touch you'
I lost my sleep and appetite
Telling you and myself that I am in love
When I was in lust and craving
I thought I cried for you
When in fact, I cried my fears of losing your companionship, attention and affection
I spent nights and days engrossed in how I felt about you
And didn't know to feel with you
I made you object of my needs, desires and fulfillment
And judged you in the light of what you did, or did not do for me
I angered and was hurt when you regarded me as object
And made you entirely responsible for our disconnect
I learned to offer you my friendship and attention
When it was either too late
Or inappropriate, as you were promised to another
I wanted to find love
When love was, and always is a possibility
For me to act upon, with kindness, wisdom, skill and power
I have stopped looking for love
Instead, I now cultivate it
So tell me, please
What is it like to be you?
How do you feel?
What are your hopes? Your dreams? Your darkest fears? Your brightest vision for yourself, and for this world that you and I are part of?
How do you like to touch, and to be touched? What kind of kiss creates your bliss?
What would you like to know about myself, that I should reveal to you now?
What do you do when no-one watches? What is your silly self like? And your wise one?
Who are you when you're strong, or weak, courageous or scared, doubtful, or confident, or sad, or joyfully exhilarated? What losses are you grieving, love? And what successes do you celebrate? What matters most to you, my darling, tell me, if you will.
Let me witness you at your best, at your worst, at your most boring day and night
And understand you, feel with you, agree with you, and fight you.
Let me hold you, heal you, challenge you, support you, cherish you, kiss you, put you to sleep...
Let me awake you
And let me show you who I am
When I am at my best, and at my worst...
At my most boring day and night
And let us meet in mutuality for a brief while
A few seconds
A few years, maybe
Listening to each other
Feeling with each other
And let's agree to name this moment of encounter
© Tana Saler, February 14 2015