tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89677600503867684582024-03-13T21:49:26.808-07:00Tana's BlogReflections of an integral mind and heart on life, love, sex, God, healing, psychotherapy and everything.Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-62330600187655275412021-02-09T17:49:00.001-08:002021-02-09T17:49:31.491-08:00Identity, Spirituality and The Law of Attraction<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); color: #e4e6eb; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Identity is only problematic as long as it's based on the philosophy of separation. As long as there is a self and an other, you'll run into problems. Transcendence is going beyond the sole identification with a separate self, and relinquishing identity into the spirit, or the Ground of Being. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This is where the fun begins.</p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Or more precisely, this is where suffering ends. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you see yourself as being at one with the all, with no separation, all the anguish or better or lesser, judgment and criticism, blaming, shaming and complaining fly out the window. Even the "Law of Attraction" becomes irrelevant: you can only attract something or someone that is separate from you; but if you are at one with all that is, nothing is outside or separate from who you truly are. So - no attraction, no repulsion. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The separate self doesn't disappear, but remains as one perspective of the gazillion perspectives of the real Self. The separate self will still do its thing: seeking survival and reproduction, fulfillment of its needs and all the antics that come with it. The selfless part of transcendence is service: living life out of love, seeking the betterment of all beings (well, beginning with one's sphere of influence). The selfish part is, the separate self still eats, sleeps, has sex, plays with the dog, dances and drinks tea. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The separate self will jump on the occasion of hijacking the infinite self for its own fulfillment - that's not to transcend the ego, but to strengthen it. I personally am not so enlightened to have escaped this self-serving predicament. However, you can be selfish and selfless if you seek win-win fulfillment, if your own meeting of needs is also benefiting others and the all.</p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For example, to 'manifest' something you (the separate self) want (the Infinite Self doesn't have wants or needs), think of the essence of your need or desire. Make a mental exercise where you see yourself as pure consciousness or the all-that-is, and as such, in order to experience anything, all you have to do is to express it.</p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Express that which you want to experience.</p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This is the mother of all secrets, hidden in plain daylight. And this post is public.</p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So, want to experience generosity? Great: express it. Give it. Want to experience consideration? Grant it. Want to experience loving presence? Offer it. Want to experience appreciation? Appreciate everything beautiful, good and true in yourself, in others, and in the world. You want people to grant you support, cheer your successes and wish you well? Great: grant support, cheer others' successes, and wish people (and all beings) well. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This is the wisdom behind the Metta practice "May all beings be happy, be peaceful, and be free". This is the wisdom behind the Blessings I share with you now and then. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">No entitlement, no victimization, no struggle, no wars, no blaming, no shaming, no accusations, no unfairness. </p>
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<p style="color: black; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">You want it? You give it.</p>
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</div></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-69961458607880103292021-01-10T14:36:00.007-08:002021-01-10T15:11:47.605-08:00Insults to Feedback: Exploring Types of Criticism<p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Cg_6iADU6kA/X_uJpl1WccI/AAAAAAAAaGU/MQ_teBDSes4gztI65Y0DD3aNAYEbg_FRACLcBGAsYHQ/s940/E0D9C12D-E3C3-4D83-9426-761258DA7CD3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="788" data-original-width="940" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Cg_6iADU6kA/X_uJpl1WccI/AAAAAAAAaGU/MQ_teBDSes4gztI65Y0DD3aNAYEbg_FRACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/E0D9C12D-E3C3-4D83-9426-761258DA7CD3.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />As promised at the Embodied Connection Games Circle themed “Criticism”, here’s an exploration of giving and receiving criticism. Throughout this exploration we will make some distinctions to help us communicate kindly and effectively, whether we are the provider or the recipient of criticism.<p></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let’s say a baker has baked an apple pie. And while you and I would gladly volunteer to taste a slice (it’s sweetened with honey and spiced with cinnamon), the baker’s boss has something to say about it that is not a praise. And how he says it will make a difference.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Distinction 1: Subject vs Object or Identity vs Behaviour</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“You are a terrible baker!” This statement is addressed at the person, the subject, an “I” nobody wants to be in the shoes of, because when criticism gets personal, it hurts. If the criticism is addressed at an object, an “it”, we might learn something useful about it. “Your pie is bad” is much different than “You are bad”. You can be a wonderful person and bake bad pies. I know I have. And you still like me, do you not?</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">An object is either a tangible object, like a pie, or a behaviour, such as baking. “Your baking is bad” is an objective criticism and thus, it is not personal.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Distinction 2: Preference vs Value Judgment </b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“I don’t like apple pie” is a subjective preference statement that speaks about the taste of the speaker. “This apple pie is bad” is a value judgment, and it speaks about the “it”, the object, the pie. It is still a subjective assessment - “Beauty (or taste) is in the eye (or taste buds) of the beholder” but if inquiring we might uncover some criteria worth looking at (undercooked dough, or stale flour).</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Preference is purely subjective: you can look at the most exquisite, five-stars, price winning pies, and not care, because you don’t like pie. If you do like apple pie, first - we can be friends; and second - you may still find this particular pie to be bad if it’s salted instead of sweetened, or mouldy, or undercooked. In which case you may offer a value judgment about the pie and say “It (the object), the pie, is bad”.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Distinction 3: Feeling vs Thought</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Feelings are body-felt experiences. Thoughts are ideas, concepts, values and such, and they’re nowhere to be found in your body, although thoughts may be coupled with feelings, and they often are. At least this is true in my case: I am a woman, and very sensitive and emotional if you need to know.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are two kinds of feelings: sensory feelings, and emotional feelings. Examples are: Sleepy, itchy, calm, sad, joyful, hungry, satiated, antsy, annoyed, pleased, delighted.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Examples of thoughts: “Apple pies are sweet”; “Tomorrow is Tuesday”; “Monkeys eat bananas” and “I’m curious what is behind that door”. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When someone says: “I feel that your baking is bad” that’s a thought. If they said: “I have a bad feeling about eating your pie” that would be a feeling. Just because one inserts the word “feel” in a statement, doesn’t automatically turn a thought into a feeling.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This distinction helps you distinguish between a personal preference and a value judgment. “I feel nauseated looking at this pie” describes a subjective feeling; “This pie looks nauseating” is a value judgment. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Poor baker. Let’s move on.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Distinction 4: Insult vs Feedback or Destructive vs Constructive Criticism</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Behind any behaviour, there is a motive, a why. Behind any declared statement, there is a motive, a why, whether intentional and conscious or otherwise. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Look, Riley, about your pie…” could be marking the beginning of a statement intended to cause pain, or a statement intended to lead to improvement. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Personal criticism is destructive, with or without name calling. Constructive criticism addresses an object, an “it”, that could be improved. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“You’re awful” is an insult. “The pie is awful” is still harsh, but with some heart and skill (as we’ll see below) it could lead to making better pies.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Distinction 5: Generalization vs Specifics, or Vague vs Precise</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“You always ruin pies” is a generalization, and speaks nothing of today’s apple pie. Not one word. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“This pie is bad” speaks indeed about our pie du jour, but “bad” is too vague a word, and we don’t know how specifically it is bad, and what it needs to be good.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“The dough is raw, undercooked” - is indeed specific and precise. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“This apple pie is undercooked, and needs to go back to the oven for another ten minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit” is specific, precise, and leads to improvement.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Riley, your apple pie has the right ratio between dough and filling, it is flavourful and perfectly sweetened, and it’s also undercooked, and needs to go back in the oven for another ten minutes” This is positive feedback: it is objective, specific, precise, and it has heart, as it first mentions all that is well and good about the pie.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Useful responses to criticism</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What do you do if you are Riley the baker, and your apple pie is the object of criticism?</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Be curious about the motive of the critic: “What makes you say that?” Is an inquiry which should help you reveal whether you’re dealing with an insult or a feedback. If dealing with an insult, I leave your response up to your own good judgment; I just want to remind you that you are the one with a pie in your hand, so you have options…</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Be curious about the specifics of the feedback: “What about this pie do you specifically find bad?” And be curious about the possibility for improvement: “What do you think that this pie needs, or what could I do differently next time?” </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This should take care of any kind of criticism coming your way. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And as soon as you’ve gotten that apple pie figured out, and it’s properly baked, come on over with the pie. Message me for the address. I’ll set the table.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-37969286236750477672020-12-30T11:15:00.002-08:002020-12-30T11:15:38.697-08:00How to Receive Criticism and Still Enjoy Your Day<p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>How to Receive Criticism and Still Enjoy Your Day</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Fear of rejection is a social animal’s worst fear: when your species survival depends on cooperation, you become hypersensitive for all the clues towards or away from belonging: validation, affirmation, appreciation and reward. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So when there is criticism coming at you and you haven’t done your homework on how to respond, you’re most likely to be unhappy about the words you hear or read, and likely to respond in ways that will further make you - and the others concerned - unhappy.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Before we look at happy-making strategies of response, let’s take a look at criticism, as not all criticism is equal. As we human behaviour in general, what a person does doesn’t always weigh as much as why a person does it. “Why” has two components to it: cause, and purpose. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So when you are at the receiving end of criticism, and have time to ponder (before replying to a comment, for example), become curious about the “why”: What causes the person to say what they do, and with what purpose. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Purpose-wise, criticism comes to either lead to improvement, in which case we call that “constructive criticism”, or it’s meant to cause pain, in which case we call it many other things, including “destructive criticism”, “trolling”, “put-down” and so forth. Criticism is aimed at one’s behaviour, at an object: someone’s athletic performance; someone’s acting; someone’s cooking. When directed at a person, when it’s personal, it is not criticism but an insult, and an act of violence. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For example, it is one thing to say to a baker: “Your cake dough is uncooked and gooey” (criticism is directed at an object) or “Your baking skills suck” (criticism addressing a behaviour); and it is another thing to say: “You are a lousy baker” (criticism directed at the person).</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Constructive criticism:</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When someone offers you a value judgement or some specific criticism regarding something you did or do, with a clear purpose of improvement, accept it as a gift, and start by thanking the person for it. Then inquire into what could be improved and how. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Unclear criticism:</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When someone’s criticism is not clear to you whether it’s a gift or an attack:</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">1- Do not make the assumption that it’s an attack. Easier said than done when you have trauma or such past conditioning about criticism. And even if you have a rather intense emotional response to the criticism, just because you feel a certain way does not reflect the intention of the sender. So do not make any assumptions, make yourself not know, and stay curious.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">2 - Ask for clarification: “What makes you say that?” The answer usually makes it clear if the person tried to help you improve or to cause you pain.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Destructive criticism:</b></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><b></b><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When it is clear to you that the criticism directed at you is an attack, consider this: in most cases the attack is unconscious, and emerges from the attacker’s own pain. So someone whose parents were harshly critical when they were young, might repeat the parents’ pattern and say something to you in order to shame you, and they aren’t aware that this is what they’re doing. People hurt each other every day with words without a conscious intention to inflict pain, but out of unconscious reaction. When that happens, your response can help the attacker bring the motive of their behaviour from the shadow of their mind into the light of their awareness. Simply ask:</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Are you saying this in order to shame me?”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you’re dealing with someone who values personal growth, they may - after an initial discomfort - actually thank you for your inquiry, as it will bring out an insight from within themselves.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When the criticism emerges out of the attacker’s hate, you need to play the game by other rules. Hate is different than anger: anger fuels action towards some justice or repairs, whereas hate arises with the desire to inflict pain (physical or emotional).</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A hate attack will seek to belittle you, undermine you, doubt yourself, will attack your sense of self and identity, will gaslight you (cause you to doubt your own reasoning and instincts). Here are a few options to consider with hate attacks:</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">1 - Do not engage with the attacker. Step aside. Unfriend, unfollow, divorce, leave, go away. If someone’s engagement has as its purpose inflicting pain, unless you have strong reasons to want to engage with them, and have brilliant negotiation skills, keep out of the way of this person’s attacks. I wish I knew this years ago…</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">2- If circumstances prevent you from disengaging, two things will help you deal with the attack and still enjoy your day: the words “Yes and” and humour. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Comedy improvisation is entirely based on the “Yes, and…” principle: you agree with whatever is coming at you, any line, any statement, and you run with it. If you practice Aikido, you will find a similarity there, in the agreeing to the attack. Both practices build mindful spontaneity which is rooted in compassion and joy. Humour diffuses the tension, and when applied skilfully, it turns hate into laughter. “Yes, and…” means you first agree to the attack, and then take it somewhere else more constructive. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This part was explored, as a game, in the last Embodied Connection Games circle of 2020 (an Embodiment Circle Online): participants practiced a “wrong round” first, getting defensive, disagreeing to the criticism, returning the insult and all the usual self-defeating strategies we all do unconsciously, but done intentionally and with humour, playfully. Then there was a “Yes, and…” round, with even more fun and laughter. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let’s try some examples. Let’s name the two categories of response “Unhappy” (as they are bound to make defender and attacker unhappy) and “Happy” as they are your chance for still enjoying your day even after being nastily criticized or insulted. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Attack: “Bitch!”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unhappy response: “How dare you speak to me like that!” Or, “Jerk!”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Happy response: “Woof!”’</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">—————————-xxx—————————————</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Attack: “Your food tastes horrible”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unhappy response: “That’s what you have to say after I’ve cooked for you the whole day?” Or; “I’ll never cook for you again” Or: “Your food isn’t much better” - you get the idea.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Happy response: “Yes! Thank you! My food is tastes so horrible I’ve been approached by hit men to sell it to them as poison for their targets, and the pay is fantastic!”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One strategy I learned from Paul Linden, Aikidoist, philosopher and linguist, founder of “Being in Movement” is to ask for help in response to criticism. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Attack: “You have bad posture”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Happy response: “Yes, thank you! And I admire your posture. I wish I had a good posture like yours. How do you do it? Would you help me with some movement exercise that will help me improve the way I stand, sit and walk?”</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">This should give you some good tools to practice and get you better prepared to deal with criticism, as well as, covertly encouraging you to only offer constructive criticism when it’s appropriate, requested and useful.</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">If you have more strategies for happily dealing with attacks, write them in comments, as well as any criticism directed at mine. </p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Woof!</p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-85032170621732549352020-12-14T06:30:00.002-08:002020-12-14T06:43:25.388-08:00I Reintroduced Sugar to My Diet, and it’s Good For Me<p style="background-color: white; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Freedom</b></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I reintroduced sugar to my diet, and it’s good for me. Here’s why:</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For many years I have eaten a restricted diet to cope with health problems like weight and food sensitivities. I lived with the craving for foods that I like, comfort foods that I grew up with, and that now I couldn’t have. “I want it, I wish I could have it, but I can’t” That’s deprivation, and living in scarcity - “I can’t have what I want”. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I reintroduced sugar to my diet, and it’s good for me. Here’s why:</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">For many years I have eaten a restricted diet to cope with health problems like weight and food sensitivities. I lived with the craving for foods that I like, comfort foods that I grew up with, and that now I couldn’t have. “I want it, I wish I could have it, but I can’t” That’s deprivation, and living in scarcity - “I can’t have what I want”.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">To make things worse, people who didn’t know anything about me other than my body size, assumed that I was overindulging and volunteered advice: “Reduce your sugar intake”; they sent me unsolicited nutrition information to educate me, and even referred to me as “Cheeseburger lover”. That only fed my Victim viewpoint: how unfair to read all these books about nutrition, eat a sugar-free, low-carb, low-processed food diet, and yet be suspected of gorging myself with junk. Deprived and misjudged. The worst of all worlds.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A few weeks ago I came home with a bag of keto chocolates: dark, and low sugar. Later on I added to that a few dark chocolates with regular sugar, and then a box of Godiva chocolates of mixed colour, from dark to milk to white. And a box of liqueur filled chocolates. I started eating a small, bite-size chocolate after each meal. I made a conscious ritual out of it, to imprint my body with pleasure and fulfillment: eyes closed, chocolate melting on the palate, savouring the aroma. Dessert has followed every meal - one, and sometimes two or three chocolates savoured and enjoyed with full awareness to the point of satiation. And when I got some almond cookies and fortune cookies with my Chinese restaurant order, instead of passing them on to friends as usual, I kept them, and enjoyed them one or two at a time. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What this has been doing to my mood and sense of self is priceless: deprivation and ‘poor me’ attitudes have been replaced by fulfillment and gratitude. “I can have what I want and enjoy it” is the message my body has been receiving. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Interestingly enough, something shifted again in my cravings, and I found myself choosing fruit over sweets as dessert after most meals. The chocolates are still there, in an aesthetically pleasing display of luxurious opulence, and I know that I can have one or as many as I want, when I want them. And this, my friends, is total freedom: I am free to eat and free to not eat; free to follow the signals of my body, and free to do what it takes to fulfill a desire moment by moment, with pleasure instead of guilt. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Freedom from addiction is not the same as cessation of a behaviour; it is freedom from compulsion, any compulsion: the compulsion to eat, or to not eat; to consume, or to not consume. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Nutrition-wise: watching Zac Efron’s “Down to Earth” documentary on Netflix about Blue Zones - the areas on Earth with the greatest longevity, I see healthy people eating carbs, including dessert - a nice slice of cake. An Italian doctor comments: 10 grams of sugar a day is fine; 100 grams of sugar a day is not. If Italians can have ravioli with a bit of tomato sauce and a sprinkle of parmesan, followed by a slice of sweet cake, and live well within their 100’s, then maybe what I have learned about nutrition must be revisited. And thus, my loves, the head is informed and in line with the heart and the body when opting for sugary chocolates for dessert. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The head thinks of Italy’s diet. The heart rejoices in the intentional living choices towards fulfillment. The body requires its pleasures - and I listen, from the first craving to the sweet moment of satisfaction.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And thus, my friends, savouring sugar is so, so good. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KYwkzYRoLT0/X9d2mGj4-9I/AAAAAAAAaFQ/oe_1VgPrtMQwqGh3_Afv9R7wdB1dTRwLACLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/351037BD-A02F-4ED7-9D3E-A8A685F10851.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1539" data-original-width="2048" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KYwkzYRoLT0/X9d2mGj4-9I/AAAAAAAAaFQ/oe_1VgPrtMQwqGh3_Afv9R7wdB1dTRwLACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/351037BD-A02F-4ED7-9D3E-A8A685F10851.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-20633645437452415512020-11-18T13:27:00.008-08:002020-12-14T06:31:46.976-08:00Why Seeing the World as a Victim is Hard to Change, and What You Can Do About It<p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Here’s why seeing the world through a Victim’s eye is hard to change, and what you can do about it:</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><ul>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">A Victim is always superior to Villains. Status is a perk hard to renounce</span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Victim gets pity, which is a form of attention, and attention nourishes. When one is depleted and disconnected from love, any attention will do, including pity. </span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Many social organizations are built upon the Victim-Villain-Rescuer triangle model, with support systems that offers a venue to the Victim to complain about the Villain, organized by Rescuers.</span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">The Victim has the right to complain, which confers entitlement - another perk which is difficult to renounce. </span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Victims have stories to tell, about injustice done to them or to others. The emotions aroused by stories of injustice are intense and compelling - from resentment to anger to rage and even hatred - which makes the stories highly likely to be heard. Emotionally charged stories draw attention, and attention nourishes the speaker. </span></li>
</ul><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I had enough adversity and known enough oppression as a descendent of Holocaust survivors and a child of an oppressive dictatorial regime behind the Iron Curtain, to be fused in my personal identity with the Victim aspect of my mind. I have complained, felt helpless, felt entitled and when my personal development fans friends told me that I saw myself as Victim and I should take my power back, I had no idea how to do that. Here’s what I figured, so far:</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><ul>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">The Victim is one voice of many inside one’s mind. To free oneself from its grasp requires the counter-intuitive act of giving it a voice. The fused identity with any sub-personality (aspect of the psyche) means that one is locked into that particular perspective. The Victim is the subject, “I”. By giving the Victim a voice, listening to it and looking at it, the Self differentiates itself from that voice, and the Victim becomes an object, an “it”, while the Self, as the subject “I” has access to other options for the Self’s ‘driver seat’. </span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">There are embodied practices that give the Victim a voice. My favourite is the Voice Dialogue (I’m a lover of language so no wonder I prefer this one), then the Shadow Integration process, which I like doing combining language and embodied states (walk, talk, move, gesture as the Victim). You can also dance, draw, and journal as Victim.</span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Fulfillment is the ultimate anti-Victim medicine. Paul Linden says, you can’t stop something; you can only start something else. The Victim is injusticed, oppressed, deprived, helpless. You can’t stop that, but you can do the opposite: meet your own needs, take good care of yourself, practice appreciation, cultivate personal power through embodied practices. Being well-rested, well-fed, well-loved, well-cared for and in the habit of expressing gratitude for all things beautiful, good and true makes it impossible to remain Victim, as the two states are incompatible. The Victim is right, the Victor is happy.</span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Walk away from Victim narratives. Not easy to do, as they are ubiquitous. I bet you have enough friends, family members or co-workers who make complaining a central part of their conversations. I encourage you to not engage even if you may, like I am, tempted to join in the gossip and complaining because it is satisfying as shown at the top of this article. Or, if you like to raise to the occasion of sharpening your leadership skills, elegantly steer the conversation away from the complaining and towards possibility and resources. I personally boast a degree of success with this (easier with clients than with peers because of the power balance) by stopping the complainer from venting and asking: “What do you need?” Or “What would you like to see happen?”</span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Be willing to feel guilty rather than injusticed - it’s a wise priority. I was a single dog mom to my old Akita, Kinook, staying by her side towards the end of her life, never leaving her alone for more than a couple of hours. Occasionally though I made a conscious decision to stay away for an extra hour pleasure shopping, in order to not resent her for being deprived of life’s little joys. This way I was able to give her love with all my heart, to her last breath. </span></li>
<li style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: 16.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="background-color: white;">Deciding that nobody owes you anything is the ticket to freedom, fulfillment and in my own experience, sanity. Entitlement always leads to disappointment because nobody can ever live up to the high expectations of an entitled Victim. On the other hand, thinking that nobody owes you anything - attention, time, friendship or favours - will prompt you to act in such ways as to make yourself attractive, pleasant and useful so that people enjoy giving you their attention, time, friendship and favours. The Victim demands, the Victor earns.</span></li>
</ul><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Adversity is tempting us to switch to Victim mode - “After all that’s done to me / that life has hurt me “ I should be getting this, having that. I’ve done that more than I’m willing to tell you about it. I’ve been a regular member of my own “Poor Me” club and paid my dues with misery and depression, diligently pushing people away by effectively being as insufferable as I was able to - and did a good job at it. </p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">However, I am pleased to share with you that it is possible to leave the Poor Me club and join the Lucky Me club, or as I heard some say, “The more I practice, the luckier I get”. Cultivate pleasure; prioritize meeting needs, yours and your loved ones; practice daily gratitude - a central practice to reformed Victims; be aware of limitations and focus on abilities and possibilities. And if you want to rebel against your oppressors, give them the finger by being happy, joyful, grateful and fulfilled. And every time the Victim shows up in yourself or others, give it some love and compassion, and give it a voice, for it is part of you, but certainly not all of you. You are the boss of your mind, and you alone can decide which of the many aspects of “me” is driving your car.</p><div><br /></div><p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IwxUYz6U7ks/X7WRkdnOZBI/AAAAAAAAaDo/yLZcYXbvQ1wzZh8kNN58P7ZCDApBOPr4wCLcBGAsYHQ/s900/8A1C46CF-B0F0-4E71-941E-2B7F685F993D.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="598" data-original-width="900" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-IwxUYz6U7ks/X7WRkdnOZBI/AAAAAAAAaDo/yLZcYXbvQ1wzZh8kNN58P7ZCDApBOPr4wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/8A1C46CF-B0F0-4E71-941E-2B7F685F993D.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p style="color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-3389454580512407712020-11-15T08:13:00.003-08:002020-11-15T08:14:06.299-08:00Freedom to Fulfillment Strategy<div class="kvgmc6g5 cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; color: #e4e6eb; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OqBrnq7xBO8/X7FTTRDbtWI/AAAAAAAAaCo/vNvU-LzsIME3M4yoXfBPxdIENhBHkRxkgCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/C7EBC89B-B402-48EC-BA2D-D4FF5521ADF4.heic" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OqBrnq7xBO8/X7FTTRDbtWI/AAAAAAAAaCo/vNvU-LzsIME3M4yoXfBPxdIENhBHkRxkgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/C7EBC89B-B402-48EC-BA2D-D4FF5521ADF4.heic" /></a></div><br />I have a strategy in place to move me from victim consciousness to being happy and fulfilled.</div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">First, I start the day with a practice of prayer / Metta / declaration of intent. Central to it is the intention to live a life of harmonious balance, walk the 'middle path' or in Hebrew 'Derech Hamelech' , the Regal Path: neither deficit, nor excess; neither depriving myself, nor excessive self-indulging; neither grasping, nor wasteful. </div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">Then, as an example on how I apply my intention to real life, I consciously and intentionally eat chocolate every day. I have not eaten chocolate or any sweets (or sugar, wheat, dairy, wine, yeast, etc) for years because I was too sick to handle a lot of foods (and I did indulge many years prior to that). So now I eat a square or two of chocolate every day. Not eating as much as to make myself sick, and not eating as little as to perpetuate self-pity 'poor me, look, I can't even enjoy chocolate' victim mindset. So I eat just right, slowly, and savour every bite. I also apply this strategy to everything else, including shopping (I am recovering from addictions to food and to shopping); and I also use it to declutter, let go of the unnecessary, keep the useful.</div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">Total freedom is to eat or not eat, drink or not drink, shop or not shop as and when it's right, healthy and fulfilling; neither too much, nor too little, but just right. </div></div><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="caret-color: rgb(228, 230, 235); font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;">It takes freedom in order to enjoy fulfillment; and self-love takes a great deal of wisdom and daily cultivation.</div><div dir="auto" style="color: #e4e6eb; font-family: inherit;"><br /></div></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-35199903646780160652020-08-15T20:30:00.005-07:002020-08-15T20:30:48.282-07:00In Memory of My Husband<p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">When we met twenty two years ago, Jeff told me stories of his life and work in the Canadian Arctic.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He was a great storyteller, with a sense of the ridicule and a wildly sharp sense of humour. His stories and funny sayings and remarks sent me laughing until I folded and my cheeks were sore. Jeff and I shared more hurts than values and strengths; humour, together with our love for dogs, was probably our most precious shared gem. Jeff would say things like: “I’m busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest” or “Busier than a one-armed poster-hanging man” and the mental visuals ensued would render me laughing hysterically.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I listened mesmerized to Jeff’s stories from the North - of spotting a polar bear on one of his travels, or stories of a grumpy hotel owner who’d ask his guests: “Sir, how do you like your eggs?” And when the guest would reply “Scrambled”, the owner would reply between his clenched teeth: “Well, we only make them fried”. And he’d add: “You have two choices: take it, or leave it”. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“My work is my TIKKUN OLAM” (Hebrew for “Healing the World”) Jeff once told me. The Canadian Government has been making ongoing efforts to make repairs for the wrongs done to the indigenous people and Jeff’s work with the Indigenous and Northern Affairs Canada was profoundly meaningful to him. He was passionate and proud to be part of the amends and development for the Dene and Inuit people. His clients had appreciation and affection for him, and Jeff treasured the Aboriginal Art pieces he was gifted by them. Each piece of art had a story and Jeff’s eyes often got wet when he’d relate it to me.</p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Jeff’s humour, passion, work and eventually health and life succumbed to tremendous suffering. Together with his remains, a lifetime of dreams, hopes, memories, stories told and stories untold, are being buried. As a healer, I look back at this life of the man I shared a long, rocky journey with, and I grief the lost opportunities for healing the wounds of the soul and the ills of the body. Trauma, the philosophical views of separation, and disease can rob a person of his ability to do his life’s work, and of his ability to love and relate. If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger; and if you don’t address it, sooner or later, it does kill you. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The man I once loved, had dreams about, hopes with, and later feared and resented has left an imprint on my psyche that is shaping who I am today. Walking this leg of a journey with him I have learned about myself more than I had ever imagined possible; I learned about the importance of healing one’s wounds, what it means to grow up emotionally, what are the skills and the strengths necessary to relate with a mate, the importance of saying the truth, the meaning of kindness, the necessary dance between autonomy and communion, and the power balance in relationships. I learned that opposites attract if it’s Yin and Yang, and while some things should be different for a couple relationship to work, others, such as world views, meaning and values, should be shared. I learned that navigating relationships without a good map can crash you, and fortunately I eventually came across and learned a good map. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I learned that projecting one’s unrealistic expectations and assumptions upon another makes relating impossible, and that a marriage is never to a prince, nor to a monster, but to another human being with strengths and flaws, like all of us. I learned that kindness is a choice, and how I think and speak to and of another depends entirely on who I am and who I choose to be, and does not depend on the other’s behaviour. This marriage has left me shaken, but it also left me wiser, kinder, better equipped, skilled and able to contribute to others’ well-being and growth; more mature psychologically, and more awakened spiritually. For all this, I am deeply grateful. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I pray with all my heart that Jeff is remembered for his good deeds, his strengths, and his contributions. And I pray that his soul journeys in peace, renewed and cleansed from this life’s burdens and contaminations. May goodness and beauty emerge from the dark mud of suffering like the delicate, fragrant lotus flower, and may all the pain and suffering endured be worthwhile, and eventually lead to greater compassion to our souls and to our world. </p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 12px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Good bye Jeff. May you be at peace. </p><div><br /></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-22964422686283624032020-08-01T09:46:00.006-07:002020-08-01T09:46:33.913-07:00Advantages and disadvantages of a daily morning routine of meditative embodied practice (QiGong)<div class="_1dwg _1w_m _q7o" data-visualcompletion="ignore-dynamic" style="font-family: inherit; padding: 12px 12px 0px;"><div style="font-family: inherit;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">I depend on my morning routine of embodied meditative practice for a minimal state of well-being. One skipped morning, like yesterday, throws me in debilitating sickness. I use therapies for trauma recovery (therapy is needed while sick and ceases with healing) and practice for maintenance.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">An embodied meditative practice routine has advantages and limitations if you are recovering from trauma or illness:</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><b>Advantages:</b></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">- No need for props. Unless you follow YouTube workouts, in which case have your phone around and, if practicing in the park like I do, have your dog's leash to hang the phone from a tree branch. Otherwise, you don't need equipment.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- You can practice anywhere, anytime. If you have a variety of workouts in your repertoire, you'll have enough to practice sitting, standing in line at the store, walking the dog, watching Netflix. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- It's financially attainable. Trauma programs cost thousands of dollars, which, if you have PTSD and money, you're covered. But trauma hits hard the people who struggle with money, and happily there are many open or affordable sources for you to learn.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><b>Limitations:</b></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Time consuming. Any idea how many pain killers a person can take while you're circling your arms around in the park, under the tree, for a whole hour or more?</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- You miss one day of routine, it's like missing your antidepressant or your morning shower: you'll feel yuck. You'll need to schedule your day's activities around the self-care routine if you're to reliably function. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Outside of China QiGong practice looks weird. I'm in a conservative North American culture in the Canadian capital, and I've seen people taking snapshots of me, people shaking their head, people stopping to stare. You'll feel like the fool on the hill - I know I have.</p></div></div></div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-60480278291427967122020-07-24T10:36:00.001-07:002020-07-24T10:36:33.102-07:00Humanizing the other: how to neither idolize, nor demonize the other<p style="background-color: white; color: #151719; font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">How to not demonize another person:</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">- Imagine the person as someone's little son or daughter<br />- Picture the person having food cravings<br />- Try to envision them as a school boy or girl, learning to read and write<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"><br />- Ask yourself or, if available, the person. what is this person's greatest passion? How about their greatest fear?</span></p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">How to not idolize another person:</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Imagine the person peeing, pooping or picking their nose.<br />- Think of the person performing household chores, like you do: peeling potatoes, throwing the garbage, washing the floors<br />- Picture the person having food cravings<br />- Ask yourself or, if available, the person, what scares or startles them</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">Those you are bothered by, and those you admire, are human beings, with strengths and flaws. Just like you <span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/teb/2/16/1f642.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /><span aria-hidden="true" class="_7oe" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;">:-)</span></span> <a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"type":104,"tn":"*N"}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/rehumanizetheother?__eep__=6&source=feed_text&epa=HASHTAG" style="color: #385898; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration: none;"><span class="_5afx" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; unicode-bidi: isolate;"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl _5afz" style="color: #365899; font-family: inherit; unicode-bidi: isolate;">#</span><span class="_58cm" style="font-family: inherit;">rehumanizetheother</span></span></a></p></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-26702320851210911592020-07-23T07:48:00.001-07:002020-07-23T07:48:59.149-07:00Two possible scenarios for addressing body pain<p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">Here are two possible scenarios for addressing body pain:</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">1) Listen to the pain. Notice the emotion arising. Allow any mental images to surface with the source of the emotion. Complete any 'unfinished business' with body movement, voice, breath, and words that needed to be uttered. Examine any views contributing to emotional pain, and change them. Identify internalized voices that don't belong to you, and release them. Integrate and own your own internal voices.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px 0px;">2) Take a pain killer. Ignore the pain. Suppress the emotions. Repress the memory. Do not examine the views. Believe everything you think and everything you hear. When pain becomes chronic, take more pills.</p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-67389468360233584502020-07-05T12:47:00.001-07:002020-07-05T12:47:47.660-07:00Typical Mind-Body Intervention for Heart Health<p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">Typical Tana Saler scenic road to (heart) health:</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">In a phone interaction I declined a solicitation of the caller, and while I spoke I felt my heart and chest shrinking to an ache. I was quite sick for a few days after, with literal heartache and shallow breathing, and a normal person would see the doctor and get an ECG done. </p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">Instead, I meditated, journaled and did Shadow work until I had my insight and took the solicitor's perspective. </p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">Then I wrote that person, apologized, made amends including a donation and well wishing, and heard back from them with their gratitude. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">As I wrote my apology and made amends, the heart and chest opened, the tension and aches released, and my breath softened and deepened. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">That's it.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">Learning to say 'no' has been a big lesson for me. Now learning to say 'no' kindly is a skill refinement, and I'm still working on it. The heart and body don't lie, and there's no answer in pharmacology or surgery for unkind speech and action. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">The body-mind is not a concept, idea or philosophy - this is reality, if you know how to pay attention, access your body's wisdom, do your homework, and aim at addressing health problems from the root cause.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">This doesn't imply that you shouldn't see the doctor, or follow a good diet, sleep, exercise etc. There are many factors to health, and the thought-speech-action determinant weighs more that a spoonful of sugar on the body health.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-32007404633531699782020-06-28T11:44:00.001-07:002020-06-28T11:44:45.018-07:00Balance and the Healthy Sense of Self<p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">A major scope of personal development work is "Balance" - neither excess, nor deficit; neither total chaos, nor rigid order.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">It's the same with the sense of self: the middle path is being neither fragmented, nor fused, meaning you don't want to be cut-off from your own traits, qualities, drives, impulses, emotions and feelings, nor do you want to be fused in your identity with either of those traits, qualities, drives, impulses, emotions and feelings.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px 0px;">A healthy sense of self is both integrated and fluid. That's easier said than done, but possible with both therapy and practice. Voice dialogue and elegant, embodied forms of Shadow work are useful and effective in developing a coherent sense of self. Any spiritual pursuits must follow this work, and not precede it: you have to have a sense of self before transcending the self.</p>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-12286039557467873122020-06-21T14:11:00.001-07:002020-06-21T14:11:14.396-07:00The Deepest Longing Holds the Greatest Brilliance<p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">I'm a lonely outgoing extrovert and a natural people connector. I have introduced couples, helped save marriages, people who met through me became friends, and business collaborators, and I am the initiator of parties, groups (now virtual), and of lately, teacher of the art of human connection.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">And my only live-in companion is a dog.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">Sometimes I feel like Moses who led the people to the Promised Land, but he was banned from entering. Is this longing to belong that moves me to<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"> be of service towards connection? If I were fulfilled and secure in a couple and community of my own, would I still be as good as bringing people together? </span></p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">A Romanian saying says 'Hunger is the best Chef'. Maybe our deepest pain and longing holds our greatest brilliance.</p></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-33859185010736931682020-06-14T19:52:00.000-07:002020-06-14T19:52:40.921-07:00Lessons learned in twenty years in Canada<br /><div><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">This weekend twenty years ago I left Israel and moved to Canada.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">It was the kind of journey that, like stormy waters, made me a skilled sailor. I left my extended family behind, and old, strong friendships with people who loved me dearly to follow an yearning for a loving marriage that took me to Yellowknife, in the Northwest Territories (where you hit the nail in the Canada map to hang it on the wall), and later to the coldest capital of the world.</p><p style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin: 6px 0px;">I learned hard and valuabl<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">e lessons in these twenty years. Among them:</span></p><div class="text_exposed_show" style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; display: inline; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 0px 0px 6px;">- Making life changing decisions, like getting married and migrating to another country must be done with the agreement of the head, the heart, and the guts. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Love is unconditional; relationships are not. I designed my wedding invitations with an image of a camel and a polar bear kissing over the globe and the slogan: "Love has no boundaries". It turned out that the camel froze her butt and the polar bear can't handle heat. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Following a yearning is not enough. You must have a good map to navigate relationships that includes knowledge of developmental stages, personality types, cultural conditioning, trauma. If you asked me then why I would think we'd be a good match, I would say we shared a sense of humour and a love for dogs. That was true, and far from enough to play house together.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Listen to your instincts. Embodied awareness of the gut feelings could be a life saving skill and now I know how to do it. I did not know to notice when my stomach was shrunk, my belly tight and cold, and my shoulders raised, and had no language to interpret the tension and contraction. Now I know. And I teach it <span class="_47e3 _5mfr" style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 0; margin: 0px 1px; vertical-align: middle;" title="smile emoticon"><img alt="" class="img" height="16" role="presentation" src="https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/teb/2/16/1f642.png" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: -3px;" width="16" /><span aria-hidden="true" class="_7oe" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit; font-size: 0px; width: 0px;">:-)</span></span></p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Follow the loving kindness. How your mate treats his body, his family members and other people, is how he will treat you. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Listen to your friends: they shed light on your blind spots, especially when in the spells of attraction. Mine did. </p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Heal your trauma, it leaks in relationships and will poison them. And enter in a relationship with someone who's been healing their trauma as well. That's a non-negotiable.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">- Pay attention to your dreams and intuition. Before moving I dreamt that I was in a dark, arid place covered in ice, running after a bus to take me out of there. The place was vast, only ice and dark skies, I was alone and scared.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;">In the photo: the stuffed polar bear that greeted me in the Yellowknife airport twenty years ago yesterday.</p><p style="font-family: inherit; margin: 6px 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NV8xelyYGds/Xubh0CSCrBI/AAAAAAAAZ1c/qSteM1Wd1tA0TozhkVIPftE7zvQ9BjI7ACK4BGAsYHg/s1500/BB5FFB50-D901-45A7-8FE6-0EC4EF30E05C.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="997" data-original-width="1500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NV8xelyYGds/Xubh0CSCrBI/AAAAAAAAZ1c/qSteM1Wd1tA0TozhkVIPftE7zvQ9BjI7ACK4BGAsYHg/s320/BB5FFB50-D901-45A7-8FE6-0EC4EF30E05C.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p></div></div>Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-66623187700324149502020-06-07T10:23:00.000-07:002020-06-07T10:23:17.700-07:00Are Relational Skills Important?<div style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
The survival of our human species depends on cooperation, and yet relational skills are entirely missing from our schools curriculums. </div>
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We need to learn to listen better, connect deeper, more authentically, know each other individually and culturally better, and develop appreciation for our similarities and for our differences. </div>
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The antidote to hate is connection. You can't hate someone whose stories you have heard, someone who has shown you their deepest dreams, hopes, fears<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">, flaws and strengths, someone whose bread you ate. </span></div>
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Whether the world needs more protests is arguable: protests divide, and the world needs more bridges.</div>
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The skills sorely needed are relational, and personal development must branch out to interpersonal development. Practices for emancipation must evolve to be relational if we are to truly be inclusive and coherent.</div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-74674953529962996982020-04-12T13:56:00.000-07:002020-04-12T13:56:47.614-07:00Types of Meditation<div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 30px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Types of Meditation </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><i>A basic mapping of reflective practices</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>Created by Tana Saler on April 12, 2020</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Meditation” is an umbrella term for a variety of practices, same as “art” and “sport”: it names a vast category without pointing at specific purposes and methods. Without the specific categories of meditation, there is a great deal of confusion among people who attempt to meditate, as well as those who teach meditation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Teaching Meditation</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>What do you do?</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Preaching</b>: Telling people what to do without telling them how to do it. “You should meditate regularly!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Educating</b>: Informing people about methods, purpose, history, research etc “Studies that tested human brains have shown significant neural activity during and after meditation” </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Instructing</b>: Giving clear and doable “How To” instructions for people to follow any given method. “With eyes either open or close, notice the temperature of your breath changing as it enters and leaves your nostrils”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Mindfulness Meditation vs Guided Imagery</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>What mental faculty is being employed?</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Four of the mind’s faculties are: </span></div>
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<li style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 8px;"><span style="font-size: 14.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="font-kerning: none;">Planning (thinking about the future)</span></li>
<li style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 8px;"><span style="font-size: 14.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="font-kerning: none;">Noting (observing through the senses what you see, hear, touch or feel, smell and taste)</span></li>
<li style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 8px;"><span style="font-size: 14.4px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;"></span><span style="font-kerning: none;">Imagining (making up something that isn’t being noticed which only exists in the imagination)</span></li>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Mindfulness Meditation</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Guided Imagery (Visualization)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Purpose</b>: Awareness; ultimate purpose: awareness of the deep nature of being and the real self (spiritual awakening)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Purpose</b>: varied, including healing, personal improvement, creativity and vision</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Mental faculty</b>: <b>Noting</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Mental faculty</b>: <b>Imagining</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">(It is possible to integrate <i>imagining</i> with <i>noting</i>, for example, combining imagined mental images with awareness of present body-felt sensations)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Body-centred?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting In</b>: See, hear, touch what emerges in one’s own body - <b><i>Body-centred</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration: underline;">Example</span><span style="font-kerning: none;">: Noting body warmth, heaviness, mental images, the sound of breath.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting Out</b>: See, hear, touch what emerges in one’s surroundings - <b><i>Environment-centred</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration: underline;">Example</span><span style="font-kerning: none;">: Noting the colours and shapes of flowers, the sound of birds singing, the texture of orange peel.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Body-centred?</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>With body awareness</b>: Imagine roots growing out of your toes into the ground (and feel the sensations forming around the toes)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Away from body-awereness</b>: Imagine neighbours knocking at each other’s door with gift offerings and running small errands for each other</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting Narrow</b>: <b>Concentration</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration: underline;">Example</span><span style="font-kerning: none;">: Gazing at a wall with polka dots, focus on one single dot and do your best to ignore all others. Or, focus on the tip of your nose. Or focus on one sound.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting Wide</b>: <b>Contemplation</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration: underline;">Example:</span><span style="font-kerning: none;"> Gazing at a wall with polka dots, try to notice as many dots as possible, and leave no dot out of your awareness. Or, observe all the sights, sounds and feelings inside and outside your body.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Useful Visualizations</b>: Have a noticeable positive effect in one’s well-being, performance, creativity and other improvements</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Not Useful Visualizations</b>: Have -at best - no noticeable improvement, and at worst create contraction and further suffering (example: imagining doom and gloom)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting sitting / lying down</b> (Zen, Vipassana)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Noting moving</b> (QiGong, Tai-chi, Feldenkrais)</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Note</b>: This is an introductory level mapping, and doesn’t bring complex elements such as meditative states of awakening (Gross, Subtle, Causal and Nondual) or stages of psychological development. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Credit</b>: My influencers Shinzen Young (the Noting in and Noting out) , Ken Wilber (the polka dots wall), Ken Cohen, Goenka</span></div>
Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-14210480945391834042020-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:002020-03-25T17:51:27.431-07:00Forwarded Junk on Messenger and the Human Need to Connect<div style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Who else is overwhelmed by the amount of forwarded junk on Messenger? </div>
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Ping! Ping! Pingpingpingpingbleepingping!</div>
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For the first time since iPhones I now turned off the sound notifications in Messenger. In states of post-traumatic hyperarousal I jump with every ping I hear, and lately they became too often, beyond what I could handle and stay sane.</div>
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To me Messenger is for private messages, private and personal, and the ping has been useful with time sensitive texts, like "I'm out at your door, the intercom is not working, please let me in" or "There's a new link for our zoom meeting in five minutes, and here it is". When I hear a ping, I hear urgency. Not a chain letter, virtual hug, a Coronavirus update in my native language, or a meme. Urgent.</div>
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People's need to connect is more stringent now than ever, and forwarding stuff on Messenger (or WhatsApp) creates an instantaneous illusion of connection.</div>
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But it's not what connects. </div>
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People who barely know each other, if at all, send each other stuff that they find remotely interesting, or scary and therefore compelling, or cute, without even knowing each other's interests, tastes, and preferences. This doesn't connect: at best it amuses, at worst it annoys. The social distancing measures only add to an already existing problem: the human disconnect. And the disconnect is not because of a virus or a decree of law: it's because the humans' clumsiness in relating to each other.</div>
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Connections are formed when people speak to each other in their own words, not when they quote somebody else's regurgitated ideas. First talk to the people you know and send them what you know that they like, not what you think that they should like because you like it. If you don't know someone, ask them questions about themselves and tell them what you want them to know about you. Go have a conversation - with dialogue -, disclose yourself and inquire into the other: You can only love what you know, and nobody gets to know anything about anybody through forwarded memes, quotes, and video clips. </div>
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Now copy and paste this in your Messenger and send it to anyone who forwards you junk </div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-42416303969473584602020-03-08T10:11:00.000-07:002020-03-08T10:11:05.221-07:00How to Apply Constellation Work to Real Life and Make Peace with Parents and Family Members<div style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Here's an example of how to apply therapy and practice in real life:</div>
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Family Constellations reveal hidden patterns and symmetries which Bert Hellinger spoke of after noticing the constellations unfolding throughout the years. He said and wrote that in any family system, love flows from the old ones to the young ones. Parents have their children's back and take care of them emotionally. Children will grow up and have their own children, and have their back. When the flow is rev<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">ersed, a child taking care of a parent's emotions and life, or a parent demanding and expecting such care from a child, the harmony of the system is disturbed and as with all systems, it affects all its members.</span></div>
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With this knowledge, some years ago I took steps towards healing my relationship with my father, while he was still living. In addition to my own personal work, which included constellation work, I addressed my father directly, and asked him for what I needed to receive from him, which was specifically appreciation. </div>
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"Dad, what do you appreciate about me as a person?"</div>
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Dad responded, at first clumsy "I like your pendant" (that was his first attempt, and he got better). Then one day, when I turned 50, and visited him in Bucharest, he said" "I like how you've evolved, and I appreciate how you help people (with your work)". When I heard these words, I felt a surge of energy up my spine, which spread out to my entire body. For the first time I felt love from my father to me, and from me to him. Everything got better for us from than day on. When he died, we had both gained a degree of peace that would have not been possible without constellation work, Hellinger's insights, and my own ability to apply this method to life.</div>
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My work with clients thus extends beyond the time and space of our sessions; my clients are encouraged to do "homework" with their families: ask for what they need from their parents, whenever possible, and learn to offer empathy and support to their children.</div>
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In the photo: Tana Saler original wall painting of a family system. Love flows from ancestors to young ones.</div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-89540502129395793742020-03-07T07:03:00.000-08:002020-03-07T07:15:31.433-08:00Body Signals of High or Low Qi / Ki / Chi / Vitality<div style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
The subjective calibration of Qi, Élan Vital, or Life Force Energy is binary: what you do, eat, look at, talk about, think about and so forth, is either enlivening, or draining. </div>
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Body awareness lets you know clearly.</div>
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<b>When enlivened and vital you notice one or more of the following:</b></div>
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- Flow. Sensations of movement, fluidity, energy<br />
- Pleasure. Movement is pleasurable<br />
- An equal distribution of body temperature<br />
- Expansion. You feel taller, wider, spacious.<br />
- Breathing is full, and soft on the top of the inhale and the bottom of the exhale<br />
- Clarity<br />
- Creativity - you get novel ideas with ease<br />
- Joy - you laugh and smile naturally<br />
- Inspiration and insights</div>
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<b>With diminished vitality, you may notice one or more of the following:</b></div>
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- Solidity. Parts of the body feel congealed, stiff, stuck<br />
- Movement is restricted and uncomfortable<br />
-Unequal distribution of body heat. For example, hot head, cold hands and feet<br />
- Contraction. The overall feeling smaller, hunched, tight, constricted. For example, constricted breathing.<br />
- The breathing feels hard on the top of the inhale and the bottom of the exhale<br />
- Foggy brain. Extreme fatigue feels as if you are drunk, confused, spaced out<br />
- Difficulty imagining and generating new ideas. Example: writer's block<br />
- Low mood, pessimism<br />
- Difficulty planning or envisioning for the future</div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-12909162346393675822020-03-06T10:43:00.000-08:002020-03-06T10:43:51.610-08:00Dos and Don'ts for Healing Facilitators<div class="_1dwg _1w_m _q7o" data-vc-ignore-dynamic="1" style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 12px; padding: 12px 12px 0px;">
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To facilitate healing in your client is to see healing as a possibility. </div>
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<b>What hinders healing:</b></h3>
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- Seeing a "case of" instead of a person<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"><br />- Expecting the client's decline. As facilitator, you are in a position of power: your bad prognosis, expressed or silent, are bound to lead your client's expectations.<br />- Quoting statistics and science to persuade the client of an impending decline<br />- Making prophecies of doom "You're going to have this condition all your life" or "You have up to five years to live" (I heard doctors saying both to patients, and none turned out true)<br />- Pity. This is one of the worst disservices towards a healing client. Unlike compassion, which is empathy plus the desire to alleviate suffering, pity is fear-based and diminishing to a person.<br />- Trying to impress or some other form of self-service, like persuade client to buy more services from you. Sadly a great deal of marketing is fear-based ("Buy my stuff or you're going to die") and thus not true service.</span></div>
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<b>What promotes healing:</b></h3>
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- Hold your client in high regard and focus on their strength. That's even more important when he or she has self-doubts<br />- Stay centred, open and loving. You are in the caring professions, so heal and practice heart-opening practices so you can fully care about the person you are treating.<br />- Stay open and curious to what is possible for your client. Understand that the realms of possibilities is vast and beyond the grasp of your current understanding.<br />-Let go of statistics and prognosis. Your client is not a number. See the unique person who stands in front of you, and inquire into what is possible for him or her.<br />- Aquire good, solid communication skills. Practice listening with your entire body. Learn to convey that which is useful.<br />- Hope is never unreasonable. Hope is a glimpse into possibility. Encourage your client to remain open and curious.<br />- Be client oriented, take the client's perspective. Instead of asking "What can I do for you?" (first person perspective inquiry) ask: "What do you need or want to address today?"</div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-5035289396577886902020-02-27T07:33:00.000-08:002020-02-27T07:38:57.987-08:00Humour is a Delivery System for Content<div style="caret-color: rgb(29, 33, 41); color: #1d2129; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Saying that someone is humourless because they don't laugh at your insulting sarcasm is like telling someone who is rejecting unwanted sexual advances that they're frigid. </div>
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Humour is form, and as such, it's a delivery system for any content, be it intended to attack or to support, to divide or to connect, to establish one's own status or to be of service, to incite hate and fear or to inform and educate.<br />
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-17479659238501772962020-02-23T07:48:00.000-08:002020-02-23T07:52:36.855-08:00Grumpy Dog Granddad<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;">He is a tall, lean man in his seventies, walking a tiny brown short-haired dog. He walks leading with his head, his whole body looking like a moving question mark. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The first time I saw him was a warm fall evening. Carmen, my Golden Retriever rescue girl went to greet the little dog, as she does with all dogs she meets, and I try to strike a conversation with the man, as I do with most dog parent neighbours I meet.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The man pulls the tiny dog away and says: “I don’t like dogs”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“But you walk a dog” I ask, wondering.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“I don’t like dogs, but I like walking” replies the man, his face muscles stiff like stone, showing no signs of emotion. Then he adds: “This is not my dog, it’s my granddaughter’s”. Then he walks away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Every time we cross our paths during dog walks, the dogs pull towards each other to greet, and the grumpy dog granddad yanks the leash and pulls the tiny dog away, almost getting him flying. Every time this happens, I get grumpy. I grow heavy and tight in my chest and I run a quick mental list with everything wrong with this man.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This morning, however, I had a different idea. It is a brilliantly sunny day with clear azure skies, a hope-filled peak-preview into the Spring arrival. Walking towards each other, I softened my gaze, slowed down my breath and let it drop into the belly, and imagined that I had swallowed the sun who is now shining brightly right inside my heart, glowing out to infinity in all the directions, including tiny brown dog and grumpy ol’ grandpa into my vast glowing bubble. As we crossed each other and the pups managed to sneak a brief nose-to-nose sniff, I said: “Good morning”. Grandpa’ replied a barely audible “G’ mo’” and kept walking. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And then I asked myself what it was like to be this man. Whatever has happened in his life? What did he go through? What was it like for him to be his parents’ little boy? Was he allowed to play outside with other children? Was he admonished often? Was he ever praised? </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">As I ran this mental inquiry in my imagination, my heart warmed up and softened, my eyes got moist with tears of compassion, and my breathing became spacious and deep. I turned around to escort the man and the not-his-dog with my gaze, wishing him - them - peace and well-being. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And for these moments I won the battle with the inner trolls and made some way towards a kinder heart and greater flow of love for my own sake, my neighbour’s and hopefully for you. </span></div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-67228243939510857002020-02-20T08:20:00.000-08:002020-02-25T18:35:01.654-08:00Tribes and Belonging<div style="background-color: white; color: #16191f; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-kerning: none;">The French Canadian word for girlfriend is “blonde”. Probably invented by a hair-dye company.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The French Canadian word for boyfriend or life mate is “chum”. “Ca va bien ton chum?” How many French Canadians know that “chum” is an English word? I don’t know, I haven’t met many. The fight for cultural purity preservation seems to be oblivious of the inevitable cultural exchanges and overlaps that socio-politics generate. We are social animals, parochial beings, and our need to belong to a tribe makes us blind to the obvious shared common grounds of all people, all tribes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am Jewish. I know that I’m Jewish: I was told so, my parents are buried in a Jewish cemetery, my grandparents spoke Yiddish and wore the yellow Star-of-David sewn on their coat during the World War II, my cousins wear silver and gold Star-of-David, so I am Jewish.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">What does being Jewish mean?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I grew up in Eastern Europe looking for fellows of my tribe whose name sounded Jewish, and whose face and hair looked Jewish. Moving to live in Israel in my twenties I found a whole Jewish state (“wow, look, everybody here is Jewish!”) filled with people whose face, skin and hair looked like the culture where they came from: blonde, blue-eyed Russian and Polish Jews, black Ethiopian Jews, brown Indian, Yemenite and Moroccan Jews. Is this tribe a nation, a religion, or a culture? Definitely not a culture, but a multitude of cultures. Israeli Jewish humour and Canadian Jewish humour are not the same. Neither is the food. Nor the attitude towards sex, or interpersonal boundaries, or fashion. So are we a religion or a nation? Nobody has decided yet, and this question is the continuous topic of heated debates.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">What makes a tribe?</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Boundaries make a tribe. Tribal or parochial boundaries aren’t tangible or seen; they get created by convention to distinguish a group of people from other groups. Boundaries are made of rules and shared rituals: if you follow the law of kashrut, observe the mitzvoth, study the Torah, lead a Jewish life, you are Jewish. When I lived in Israel I belonged to the secular Jewish subculture. I didn’t fast on Yom Kippur and didn’t light Shabbat candles; I took on these practices after I moved to Canada, out of the need to belong. Even when home alone, when I light the Shabbat candles, I’m not alone. I joined a congregation in order to belong - a congregation that is progressive and easy on rules. I joined this congregation because it is progressive, like I am; I often feel disconnected because of the easiness of rules and maybe something else that’s lacking, a kind of “glue”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Like individuals, societies develop to greater levels of complexity. It is the year 2020 and our parochial need to belong is less and less satisfied by the traditional, conventional type of tribal life. We seek a different kind of tribe, the one that is value-based. “Our people” are the people who share our depth and complexity of views. Rules are replaced by values, and the nature of tribal rites and rituals informed by the essential glue that binds all of us together: spirituality, the common Ground of Being. Alongside with tribal wars and “us-versus-them” divisions, the world is seeing more and more value-based communities, geographically and even more so on the World Wide Web.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Birds of a feather fly together - the need to belong remains the same, while the way to commune is evolving.</span><br />
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-43149722244714132482020-01-30T12:21:00.000-08:002020-01-30T12:21:33.696-08:00Law of Attraction or Personal Development?<div style="caret-color: rgb(28, 30, 33); color: #1c1e21; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
Why I don't think about what I want to attract, the law of attraction etc:</div>
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When I want to attract something, I seek to attract an "it", an object, and by placing my intention on a separate object I make myself ineffective because the world is filled with objects outside of my control. Very annoying, isn't it. All those pesky objects with a life of their own within and without my directed magnetism!</div>
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Instead, I focus my intention on myself, the subject "I": what I intend to exp<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;">erience, embody, express, create, generate and accomplish. I have greater leverage placing my intentions, thought and actions on the qualities I seek to cultivate, the relationships I seek to create and nurture, the circumstances I seek to create or at least influence. This way the subject "I" is in the driver's seat, not some separate object. That's how I improve myself, how I develop skills and mastery. </span></div>
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It is possible to influence other people and the unfolding of events. That takes qualities to cultivate, skills to develop, resources to generate, identify, manage and utilize, opportunities to seize, all of which depends on the self, the subject "I".</div>
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You are made of energy, and resonate with objects that you attract, and you're more effective when you focus on improving your self rather than chasing an other.</div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8967760050386768458.post-36599377420336880692020-01-29T06:35:00.002-08:002020-01-29T09:15:27.057-08:00100 Danish Kroner - a story from Behind the Iron Curtain<div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Jeg kan ikke tale dansk”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Early 1980’s Eforie Nord, a Black Sea shore resort</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The Europa restaurant is as spacious as a wedding hall, brimming with foreign tourists, the tables covered with white table cloth and boasting the colours, aromas and textures of the finest Romanian cuisine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am a tourist guide for the summer, a Commerce student at the Academy of Economic Studies, doing my practicum and having the time of my life. I am twenty years old, and the summer spent on the seashore, living in a hotel room and eating in restaurants is a dream. I have trained the whole year for this job, each Thursday - the Army day. The only women recruited to do the obligatory military service were university students - the young men had served before university, right after high school. Thursdays were assigned as women’s Army Day, and I had managed to get a medical excuse from the army, not having one bone in my body as a soldier. I did have to wear the khaki uniform for a few weeks before that, and learned to salute all officers I’d meet on the street, bringing my hand to the hat and saying: “Sa traiti tovarase (gradul)!” - May you live, comrade (rank), to which the answer would most often come as: “Sarut-manusitele, Domnisoara” - kiss your little hands, Missie”. Once my Thursdays were freed up, I signed up for the Tourism Guid course, which promised a summer of fun and legal contact with foreigners, a treat for any citizen behind the Iron Curtain who wanted to hear stories of life on the other side, the West. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I am assigned to work with Danish tourists, and part of my job is to welcome them at the airport, bring them to the coach that takes them to their hotel, get each tourist a room, then accompany them during meals and supervise the restaurant’s service, and take any sick tourist to the doctor. I share a hotel room with another guide, and eat my meals at the restaurant - a different menu than the tourists, a lesser quality and portion - unless I charm the waiter, which I do, to sneak a better morsel to my plate. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The Romanian sea shore is a dream for Westerners on a budget: it has miles of wide, fine sand beaches, great entertainment with lively discotheques and bars, and the hotels and restaurants cost close to nothing due to currency exchange. The Romanian leu is worth a tiny fraction of the US Dollar, or Deutsche Mark, and the seaside attracts both retirees and the younger folks, some of them travelling on their unemployment assistance income. My current life’s purpose is to pack as much fun into my life as possible, and wearing trendy clothes and a permed hair, I hang out with the young tourists and speak only English in order to pass for a foreigner and sneak into the Dollar-only discotheques to dance the night away. Romanian law forbids Romanian citizens from owning foreign currency, and implicitly from entering the exclusive discos where entrance fee is charged in foreign money only. The only place I do not dare enter is the Dollar Stores - no, not the North American style cheap stores where everything costs a dollar. These are exclusive stores which operate on foreign currency alone and are reserved for foreign citizens, stores where all the goods are imported treats and small luxuries from French perfumes, fragrant deodorants and soaps to trendy sunglasses, makeup, Swiss Toblerone chocolates, Danish Tuborg beer, Wrigley’s chewing gum and Mentos to fancy alcohol and - mark of the time-, high-end cigarettes showcasing the Kent brand, a local grey market currency and bribe. None of those treats and luxuries are anywhere to be found on the local market for Romanians, and as citizens we are banned from entering since we’re banned to own foreign money, but staring at the shop’s window and drooling over the goodies is not regulated by law, so I do quite a bit of that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">This sunny summer mid-day meal is busy, and I walk among the restaurant tables, greeting my tourists, and asking them how they are doing, if they are happy with their meal. All of the young ones speak English, but less so of the older folk, so we communicate relying mostly on facial expressions and gestures. It’s summer vacation, the atmosphere is light, fun is in the air, there’s laughter and a care-free time and place. This group of older Danish women seem to be happy with my presence, in spite of the language barrier, and one of them reaches into her purse and offers me a 100 kroner bill as a tip - worth about 18 US dollars. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I panic.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">If she pointed a gun at me, I wouldn’t be as afraid as I am of the crisp paper bill that this woman waves at me. The restaurant is crowded and the paranoia kicks in: somewhere in the crowd there must be at least one Securitate officer who watches me like a hawk, waiting for me to touch foreign money so he can quickly send me to prison. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I refuse the money and say no, but I lack the vocabulary to say why not. All I can say in Danish is “Jeg kan ikke tale dansk” - I can’t speak Danish, which only makes things worse, because I apparently say that with such an impeccable accent that it sounds like I’m lying. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">The tourist wins, the Danish money bill is in my hand, and it burns me like fire. I hide it in a pocket and run to see Berit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Berit is my new Swedish friend and confidant, a fun-loving woman and the only summer friend I get to keep throughout the years. I knock at her door flustered, and hand her the 100 kroner bill: “Here, take that!”</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Why?” Berit asks, puzzled.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“I can’t be seen or found with this money on me!” I exclaim. I can’t hide the money in my room -rumours have it that the hotel staff work in collaboration with the Securitate, and while they clean the rooms, they also go through suitcases and drawers.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“What do you want me to do with this money?” Berit asks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Go to the Dollar store and buy me some things with it” I whisper.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“Let’s go together so you can choose what you want” she suggests.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">“No!” I exclaim in panic. “I can’t set foot in there”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Berit goes to the store and brings me a shiny, colourful plastic bag (in itself a small luxury for that time and place) filled with chocolate, Mentos, soap and deodorant. I sneak my illegal treasure into my room, and place it on the lap of the first person who travels to Bucharest, to send it to my parents. I keep the mentos and chocolate, and get rid of the evidence in no time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">Nobody wants to go to jail for being caught in the possession of Mentos. </span></div>
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">And Berit returns to Sweden after her holiday, and mails me a care package with colourful Swedish socks and a cornucopia of goodies. I die and go to heaven. </span></div>
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Tana Salerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15959154444907839215noreply@blogger.com0