We were all seated at the same table at Adela's wedding: my ex-boyfriend, Vince, his new girlfriend Suzie, a few other common friends, and myself.
The music started, and I almost flipped over when Vince invited Suzie to dance.
He never wanted to dance with me. Neither did Adrian, a few years back – but then I bumped into him later, as he was escorting a young woman home from a dance!
It took me years to figure out the puzzle: why were these men willing to do for other women something they never cared doing for me? When I understood myself better, and the verbal and non-verbal communication cues I was sending out, I did the one-hand clap (slapping my forehead) and groaned.
Then I learned to ask for what I wanted in a specific way – different than I was used to. As a result, not only did the people in my life agree to meet my needs, but they also felt great about it too. It turned out that people enjoyed greatly contributing to my happiness – and they still do. The world hasn't changed. My communication has.
Here is what I discovered: when I ask someone to do something for me, my attitude will cause them to either say 'yes' or 'no'. Attitude reflects the inner state one is, and communication is simply and expression of one's energy. I'll show you what I mean:
Think of one thing you have recently asked a loved one, family member or friend to do for you. Was it a request, with 'no' as an acceptable option? Or was it a demand – which means 'You do it or else!'? And what was your mental expectation as you were asking for what you wanted? Did you expect your needs to be met? Or did you think the other would say 'no' to you, and you'd end up – again – frustrated? Either way, your words and body language gave away your mind.
Think about it the other way: someone asks you for a favour. They are stressed, irritated, and say something like 'Are you ever going to do that for me, like I've been asking you for the past two weeks?' How will you respond? But if they say to you instead: 'Do you know how happy I'd be if you did that for me?' – wouldn't you at least consider it? I know I would!
I share my language discoveries and secrets at the Energy of Language workshop. If you would like to get people to please you and feel great about it too, visit the calendar at www.tanasaler.com for the date of the next Energy of Language workshop!
In the meantime, when you ask people for favours, make sure that:
- Yours is a request and not a demand; make peace with either a 'yes' or a 'no'
- You only ask if you think they might say yes
- You share with the other what need of yours their positive response is fulfilling
- You show sincere appreciation for their effort
I am so excited at the thought of seeing you at the workshop because I love contributing to the quality of your life!