Being seen and cared for in our identity as a separate human
being, regardless of the roles we fulfill in the world, is one of the basic
needs of humanity, which, when denied through objectification, is deeply
painful and alienating.
To objectify another person is to see them as an extension
of the self, as an instrument for the fulfillment of our needs, and not as an
identity separate from our own self. It is to look at a man or a woman and ask
yourself: ‘What can she or he do for me, or give me, that I need or want?’
What is objectification?
Let’s explore some of the ways that we look at each other as
objects:
·
Sexual object: You objectify a woman or a man
sexually when you look at her or him, and see them as the potential for sexual
gratification she or he may grant you. Sexual objectification tends to identify
self and other with the body alone, failing to see beyond looks, and into a
person’s character, feelings, values, desires, hopes and world views. It’s
literally looking at another and seeing them as a piece of meat.
·
Self-image enhancer: The eye-candy, the trophy
wife, the highly positioned friends whose names we like to drop in order to look
good in the eyes of others. When I was in high-school, I dated a man who was
studying the arts in university, played the guitar in a community band, was
older than me, and looked ‘cool’ with his artsy, bearded allure. I remember asking
him to pick me up after school, so my girlfriends could see him. I was
oblivious of his interiors, and all I cared was that he made me look good.
·
Material provider: What can this person do for
me financially or materially? I was at a home party with a women’s group, when
a single woman related how she insisted on meeting men for a first date over
dinner, so they would pay for her and thus, reduce her monthly grocery bills.
·
Business contacts and referrals: Networking is
like shopping for people as objects, where individuals meet and often feign
interest in each other as human beings, with the ulterior self-serving motive
of gaining a lead, referral or business from them.
Emotional garbage disposal: How many times
somebody who had a bad day – or maybe a bad life – vents and rants about their
problems to you until you’re drained? In extreme cases, the other projects
their emotional toxicity on you in physically, verbally and emotionally abusive
ways, making you their punch bag.
·
‘Fill in the blank’: Whenever we’re looking at
another human (by the way, we do this to animals to a cruelly and destructively
great extent) asking ourselves: ‘What’s in it for me?’, we’re objectifying the
person, whether the advantage we seek is material, social, emotional or
spiritual.
"The measure of one’s character is how we treat others who can do nothing for us."
How to stop objectification?
Here are a few tips:
1.
Inquiry. A male friend once said that whenever
he catches himself objectifying women sexually, he tries to imagine them either
as little girls or old women. Asking relevant, caring questions about the other’s
humanity – feelings, emotions, opinions, habits, preferences, etc helps you see
them as a separate individual, and actually care about them.
2.
Practice empathy: try to see things from the
other’s perspective, figuratively speaking putting yourself in their shoes,
which will help you see beyond the roles they play in your life.
3.
Imagine their roles in other people’s lives:
look at the person in front of you, and see them as someone else’s mother,
brother, lover, daughter - any role in which there is nothing in for you!
4.
Stop being objectified: Whenever someone looks
at you and sees you as their jackpot, use reverse inquiry. Try asking them: ‘How
do you think that I’m feeling right now?’, or ‘What does it look to you that is
going on with me?’; this will encourage the other to place their attention on
you as a separate human being, and beyond what you can do to fulfill their
needs and wants.
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